Today was quite discouraging. My hair didn't sit right, my jeans are way-y too tight, probably from weight gain, I don't feel healthy, I have no job currently, so I am broke, I miss my friends, I got bad grades for the first time in my life, my make up made me look a little on the fake side, (I probably was trying to cover up how I felt, although it doesn't really work, because even people who aren't close to me notice the change in my face, can it be that my feelings radiate, even through this layer of colors?) I should treat my family better, I have loads of homework, yet I am not motivated enough to do it although it is due in 1 day and 1/2, my eyes are red, my teeth aren't white enough, my friends are hundreds of miles away, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to be happy, I want to relax-I am a living contradictory!
Now this isn't a pity post. I just need to vent.
My creative flow is gone, I am in need of a new town, a new life. Why I am so-o afraid of change? Why do I hold my breath when something I know is good for me only requires something, even just a little? I am wearing thin...too much of everything, and everyone. Oh how I wish I could return to earlier years, there is not much I would change except 2 things...
I just need to know I am believed in, I need to know that someone out there, expects the best out of me, and will love me regardless if I slip and fall occasionally, because I can promise you this much, as constant is change is, I will fall and stumble once in a while. I need to be held, I need to be loved, adored, cuddled, talked with. I need to know someone is thinking of me. Why do I feel like a used item, returned and clearanced?
I long to take all my loved ones, friends, family, inspirations, and just shrink them, put them in a box, and carry them with me, all the time, no matter where I go, so when I want to share with them, a unique, happy, profound once in a life time moment, or give them a portion of a burden I am carrying, I could always have them with me.
I am searching for my confidence, happiness, peace, worth, security, joy, motivation, inspiration, purpose, life...where did it all go? Is it somewhere I am just over looking, or is it really hiding? I need to find my sense of belonging. I need to feel needed. I need to be at peace in my life...I need to be OK with my imperfections...I need someone to love me, flaws and all...
Bear with me, give me some time, take my hand, I am afraid to fall, don't let me fall, I need my friends, I need someone to love and be loved by...Walk with me, lift me when I am weak, you will see, I will get better, I am just starting from beneath the ground, making my way up....I will be there, even if its the last day, I will make it...I just need to a reminder...so stay with me...I will need you now more than ever, I am picking the all weeds, but keeping all my flowers...
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