A good cry and a moment of healing

Last night was a roller coaster. As I sat at home alone, in my kitchen, I sat at the table listening to the music magically pour out of my ipod into my ears, bringing my mind into ways how I could relate each song to me, internalizing the words of an artist, who was probably just singing what someone wrote on a paper and threw it in their laps and said: "Sing it". With no meaning, no purpose.

Out of no where, there was an immense urge to just cry and let it all out, what at first were whimpers and sniffles turned into an uncontrollable shaking, and flow of tears like I have never known. Running to my run I jumped into my bed, grabbed my pillows, and my teddy bear and dog, and hugged them fiercely, not to let go even if I was being dragged away. Sobbing I began crying out to my big brother "Come, save me! Please! Come and save me! Do not ever let me go. I need you! Help me! Hurry!"

Curled up into a ball, with a messy puddle of mascara on my pillow I cried. And I couldn't stop. My heart had its barriers broken down by my hero. My big brother. He came, he picked me up, held me in his arms, and squeezed me, oh so tightly. I felt safe. All I wanted is to be where he was-and I couldn't go, yet he came out, to come and get me.

This is the hardest thing I have had to do. But I am finding healing in my pain. Its been a long road, and I know its never really over. Its still harder now. I have gotta pull the thorns out sometime, yes, it will bring me to tears, and to my knees, but it also brings me closer to where I am trying to be. I am home sick for my distination.

My big brother has been holding my hand all along, he had to take me through hell, to get me closer to heaven. Picking the weeds along the way, but keeping my flowers.

HUGS = the human touch

There is something I love more than almost anything in the world. And it is being hugged. I love the feeling of two friends, two lovers, hearts beating together in sync with each others. Although, the rhythm is breathtakingly beautiful, when two hearts beat so vehemently and vibrantly separately, but in all reality, that is together.

It is nice to know that someone loves you enough to squeeze you tight enough, or at others times, fragile touch, to hold all of the broken piece's together, and keep them together. When your heart is crying out, it is nice to know someone is listening, and that your heart is their favorite song.

As a woman, I love to be held, even if it for but a small moment. To be comforted, or to comfort anothers soul, is one of Gods grandest gifts to us. For some reason, even the thought, the picture of two people hugging can grab my heart, and sooth the moments pain, anguish and sorrow. I love falling into the arms of a friend.

One word, beautiful.

My thoughts as of today

This world is beautiful, yesterday God cried at my grand arrival, leaving His signature scent in the air. Bringing us into the cold winter. Softly reminding us that He brings us the spring, as He does in our very lives. How breathtakingly beautiful He is. To know each creature, and person, and still give His time to us, when at times we reject Him, and yet He remains. how lovely it is to know we are known, better than ourselves, and we are still loved no less, by the most elegant, powerful, righteous being.
He has warmed the fire in my heart, leaving me cold no longer. I find joy everyday now, although it is rare, we must look for it, because it is there, the road is there, just look under the ice.
God must have fun up there, watching it snow down here as he sprinkles his white powder on us. I enjoy watching it fall down on us, watching it swirl around as a shift in the wind occurs.
Winter can be the most coldest of seasons in our lives, but also the most romantic. The glorious rays of sunshine warm your cold, frail face, and hot coco brings warmth to your frozen hands.
Lights all around, light up the night, unceasingly. How gorgeous. Life is stunning.

My own weather forecasting

I thought this was the most interesting thing about myself. My knee is still sensitive to the weathers changes. I can still tell when there is a storm coming. After tearing my ACL over a year ago, I can still feel the air pressure change.
Too bad I cannot foresee the results of the elections although its already been won...we have been handed over to hell on a silver platter.

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur"
~Leo Tolstoy

Finally...

As a sigh of relief. My soul has found its place. My heart groaned under the weight of the world I was carrying, and my big brother came and took it from me. My heart stoped beating so hard an painfully, and let out a breathe of exhaustion as my big brother grabbed my heart, and me and just embraced my soul. I am finally at peace with myself, the thorn that was forcing me limp through life, has been removed. As when you pull it out, there may be red soreness surrounding the area, the area being my heart, but it feels so sweet.

To know for a surety that I am ok, that I always will, and always have been. The warmth, the sweet love, oh is so much more than my fragile heart can take, it is overwhelming, exactly opposite of the bitter pain. I am still walking my yard, still doing the time, thats the recovery process. But I am finally moving on. I feel the change in me. I am getting better. Finally.

I have gotten through that phase. I am catching my second breath now. My past may have been spotted, but my future remains spotless. I have reversed the chemistry. I am taking me back, and it feels so-o good.

-Today's drive to school-

Today's drive was lovely. It seemed as if God had painted the surrounding mountains on a canvas, and the light seemingly over flowed from the mountains, like rain falling on colored glass. I see the big white building on the top of the hill, where laws and such are discussed; however obviously they have all decided to play a game with our lives. Looking out over the city I see the trees, and their leaves are changing colors, from green to yellow, then to orange and red. The last colors, orange and red are my favorite.
A puff of my breathe floats past my face, fall has arrived. It made its red carpet entrance early in October, bringing a snow storm with millions of swirling little tiny snow flakes growing into big cup cake tops.
Pull out the cute puffy, furry winter clothes, and get the camera out! Snow ball fights, lovers on sleigh rides cuddling, friends and family surrounded by each other, smiles and laughter brought with the season. Children's excitement keeping everyone up at night. Cold nights, filled with movies being watched in your pj's or sweats and wife beater, cuddled with your best friends under a blanket. Hot coco in hand.
Although I will probably spend this winter alone, without a lover, I will be able to suffice. I have my best friends, and my family. They can fill the void for another cold season.
Dress your hearts, wrap them with a scarf and ribbon. Put your white smiles on. Go forth and welcome the fall and winter season with open arms...

Love

Every young heart longs to be loved, there is a pit inside our souls, we long for it to be filled with the love of others, espcially our soul mates love.

Love is a double edged sword...The feeling of a new love makes a womans heart smile. All the feelings renewed to a younger time. But how many times can a heart break before it shatters? How many times can I?
I had no idea I would love you. Yet, we have been in each others presence only once, talked a few more times. How do I feel like I know you? An old soul from before life began? The feelings felt that night, stir my mind up to rememberance, oh how sweet those memories are. They can make me smile, even on the worst of days.
Will it happen? I do not know. I pray so. It would be nice, more than nice...lovely.
Yes I declared my love for him..to the world. Will I ever be able to declare it to him? A question to be answered meant for another day.
I can picture it...just hold on and sit, wait patiently...I will find love. And so will you...

Fear

I fell to my knees last night in fear, feeling like a little child, trying to run and hide under their covers or under their bed...Rushing turning every light on...hurry. Grab my music, come on, the voice is talking to me again, I want it to leave me alone...I am trying to move on, don't touch me, just let me go. I know I am not imagining what I am seeing. I am tired of fighting this battle. He knows the night is toughest for me. Oh how I wish some one were here to pick me up and just hold me, never let me go.
You never know fear, true fear until you see into the eyes of the coldest and emptiest of souls. Shaking and trembling, I am frozen. God is the only one who can protect me now, and my Savior is the only one who can protect and save me from the haunting of my flaws...Come quickly, and abide with me. Shed your light, your grace, your mercy, Majesty, power, peace, love joy on me. Feed my malnurtured soul. Come save me!
Crying, trying to be brave, trying to be in control. This great power seemed to seize upon me, upon my soul. Why is it that it gets harder as I try? It should be easier, I am sure there are other people...why can he never cease to tire, why can he not leave me be...
The sound of a message from a friend makes my heart jump, mostly out of fear, my heart is beating so hard, it is echoing through my clothes, as I read it bring my mind into another world, saving me from the terror of loneliness.
I can do without him. I want him gone. He has been constant to never leave, and he cannot take the point.
Everyone else just stay here, hold me, shelter me, help me get over this mountain, it is above my head, but under my feet when I am with you.
Never leave me.
I fear being alone.
I fear losing the people I love most.
Don't go away.
Don't replace me.
Come, I need your presence in my life.
I need you.
Don't leave.
For if you do, I would rather die, than live this life alone... I cannot get through this, nor life alone. Take my heart, hold it in your hands, warm it with your touch. Don't break it, don't lose it, don't let it go, don't put it down, put it next to yours.
Hear my heart crying, it is playing your song...

Today is the day. Today is a good day

You want to know what makes my day...I love getting mail. I love talking with people on the phone. I love getting texts. I love reading emails too...
So send me something, it is nice to know your thought of and needed.
I love it even more when I can go on a drive and just talk...I love the deep, meaningful conversations I have with the people I am closest to...
I love being hugged until I melt right into your arms, and I cannot move, more like I do not want to move.
I love listening to the rolling thunder, and the rain tapping on my window. I love walking outside during a rain storm and smelling the rain while it hits my face.
I love taking pictures of the rainbows that follow.
I love watching beautiful sunsets...but I love sunrises even more.
Give me sweats, a wife beater, ice cream, hot chocolate, a teddy bear, and a hot bath...i will be happy!
Lock me away, in the middle of nowhere, where I can be alone. Let me sit for hours on end and read.
Let me shrink my friends and the ones I love, then let me put them in a box and carry them with me...
Let me abandon all my cares and responsibilities, let me leave the consequences far behind...
Let me create! Let me sing, let me dance around in nothing but socks and underwear, let me be! Hear me. Love me. Tell me. Show me...
Smile with me, sit with me, talk with me, give me your time...
I love surprises...
Life is scary when you look forward, life can be sad when you look back, so i will look sideways, and I want to see you , my friend...

Facing my demons, and putting the ghosts haunting into eternal slumber

Too long I and my heart and my feelings and emotions have been silenced. The memories of the 19 years of my life, swept under the rug of my heart. I decided. It is time to be selfish and stand for what I believe in. I finally got the backbone I have needed, but been afraid to display, in fear of hurting people (people who don't care about me, my family, nor my well being).
How good it feels to release everything out into the open, let it float away into the sky. I am letting go, and letting God deal with it.
All the tormenting, taunting, teasing, the things should never touch a young heart, least to say, never stay there.
I am tired of letting others stand on me, the weight was too much to bear, I was afraid if I moved, they would fall...but that is what they deserve... Karma is one thing that is constant, and always will be.
Let me paint this picture for you...
A young girl, reaching out for friends, being pushed away instead. Lies and rumors spread around like a virus. Snickers because she did not look and act like the rest. Singled out, laughed at, making her shrink, she hides in the corner. She sits down by one she wants as her friends, she and the whole row of mean girls pick their chairs up and move. Coming home, she locks herself in her room, and cries. She loses herself for the sake of others appraisal and approval. She has always been the topic of controversy, the number 1 on their list...oh how flattering. All their talking only caused themselves more harm, more harm than they will ever know. They do not know that they cannot build off tearing others down, they just become more shallow, and when they fall, they fall long and hard, and it will hurt. They wont get out of the grave they dug themselves. And now I can bury them...
They taught the little girl too well, too quickly...she knows better now. She has had enough.
Yet she pity's them, for they have fallen behind now, and she walks on top, on solid ground. Shes moved on, and not coming back...
God counted every tear that her eyes leaked. Ever bridge she built, has been fortified, from under the ground, up.
Try shaking her, you will only break. Not all has been in vain...God built her for the worst. And He is the great avenger. So She prays for their poor souls....They have only done her soul good. She has the unbreakable heart, and invincible mind.
She is taking on the world without fear.
By bring her down to the depths, making her swim in deep water, she had to fight to climb up; she is faster, stronger, smarter. Her skin is thicker. She is ready. She has spoken up, and it pierces them to the soul, shaking their foundations.

Another day sitting in English...

Another day in English, hearing what I already have known before high school. My mind wonders to another place, longing for something, someone, an adventure. Dreams wake with the sun, they do not slumber...My conscious laughs at the animation of my teacher...Floating in and out of my imagination.
Looking out at the state capital, the Salt Lake temple...oh how I long to be there-somewhere else. The hundreds of trees, I can see the tops, leaves are changing...I want to hop from tree to tree, and rest on the fullness of the trees leaves. This world is not mine, it is becoming a world of my own. So much out there, with so much time. I just have to live! It am smothered with my work and school.
Looking down, I can see the tiny cars, they look like hot wheels brought to life. I wonder how it looks to God from His thrones above...
Come play with me!

A few of my fav. quotes...

Why Women
Cry

"A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a woman," she told him."I don't understand," he said. His Mom just
hugged him and said, "And you never will."Later the little boy asked his father,
"Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?""All women cry for no reason," was
all his dad could say.The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering
why women cry.Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he
asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"God said, "When I made the woman she
had to be special.I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the
world,yet gentle enough to give comfort.I gave her an inner strength to endure
childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.I gave her
a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take
care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.I gave her
the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when
her child has hurt her very badly.I gave her strength to carry her husband
through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.I gave
her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests
her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.And finally, I
gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is
needed.""You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes
she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.The beauty
of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart -
the place where love resides." ~ Unknown

When God Made
Women

"By the time the Lord made women,
he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said “Why
are you spending so much time on this one”? And the Lord answered and said,
“Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not
plastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and
leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that
disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped
knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands.”
The Angel was astounded
at the requirements for this one. “Six pairs of hands! No Way!” said the
Angel.
The Lord replied, “Oh, it’s not the hands that are the problem. It’s
the three pairs of eyes that women must have!”
“And that’s just on the
standard model?” The Angel asked.
The Lord nodded in agreement, “Yes, one
pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what
they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her
head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And
the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an
errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even
saying a single word.”
The Angel tried to stop the Lord. “This is too much
work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.”
“But I can’t!” the Lord
protested, “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own
heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six
on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the
shower.”
The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, “But you have made her
so soft, Lord.”
“Yes, she is soft”, the Lord agreed, “But I have also made
her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”
“Will she be
able to think?”, asked the inquisitive Angel.
The Lord smiled and replied,
“Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and
negotiate.”
The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the
woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you
that you were trying to put too much into this one.”
“That’s not a leak.” The
Lord objected. “That is a tear!”
“What’s the tear for? the Angel
asked.
The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow,
her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride.”
The
Angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Truly,
You do all things well… Women are truly amazing!”

out of the 8 billion people here on this earth, 1 still matters...

Too many times I feel inferior, insignificant. There are many other people who could fill my shoes, I am not "that special". Thoughts like these fill my head on the days I would rather forget and never relive through my memory. Why is it that we cant find the good in us? I mean there is much more good than bad I am sure...I maybe naive, but I like to believe that people are good.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a
child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the
glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission
to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

"There is not enough darkness in all the world to put
out the light of even one small candle." ~Robert Alden

These are 2 of my most favorite quotes...although I have hundreds of thousands of quotes. Just love em!

Getting back on topic, its days like today, when I am thinking clearly and rationally, when I am reminded of my purpose here. I am special. And so is every person on this earth. A persons worth is incalculable, it can never diminish nor grow-it is infinite, like Gods love. I don't see how you do the math, and still think that God doesn't love you, in ultimate gift, his love. His life. Don't neglect nor ignore his gift.

I have been saving all my thoughts...and here is where I will put them into words from my heart, on a page, viewed by many, seen by few, understood by less. Something is in the making here, just watch, I am not worrying about my timing, I want to get it right this time, so bear with me. Soon my life will unfold on these pages, and many others...I am Gods master piece in the making...remember you are too...God gives second [and third and forth and fifth and so on...] chances because sometimes we just weren't ready for the first...

Discrimination against the unique...Gods elect and chosen...

It used to be, that the major discrimination was against different races, or sexes. Which is in my opinion, the farthest thing from what is right. I really do not believe in being racist. Today I was discriminated against. Not because of my white skin, nor because I am a woman. But because I am overweight. How sad it is to judge a person off what they look like. It is not fair. But it is how many people judge. So what if I am not the skinniest girl in the room! God made us all different. But it disheartening that you cannot be socially accepted unless you meet the status quo of beauty...it is good that I have friends that serve as constant reminders that not all people judge on the same level, otherwise this world would be a colder place than it already is, and I just might be the most bitter woman you have met...It keeps me staying me and changes my opinion that not everyone is the same.
Do you honestly think it is easy being over weight? Do you really think we enjoy it and are comfortable? I think not! We struggle to find cute, flattering clothing that actually fits...we rarely get asked on dates, if ever. We are more aware of our bodies than you think. People think were "lazy" and that all we do is eat. They think that we have no feelings at all-which is far from the truth, if not, more than others, we are raw to our core, that is why we cover ourselves from the world. People think we are a show to watch: "hey lets see if we can get so and so over there to do tricks for us if we provide treats!" They humor themselves by indulging in what they think is funny, while in reality is the exact opposite. They think that their stone can get better, sharper, shinier, whatever else that makes a stone pretty, if they rub off other people, no matter what the cost or consequences of their actions result in. I have heard a quote "How you judge others is how you judge yourself..." Think on that.
Did you know that fat is a way of protecting the body? Think about it, if a person is hurting, what do they turn to (generally) for comfort, for the way-y deep down comfort? Food. Food doesn't judge you, food accepts you. It is a way to hide.
Just because your form is thinner than mine, will never automatically make you a better person than me. I have some accomplishments in my life, and I have gone through more in my life by the age of 18, than what most men go through in their whole life time.
Quite honestly, this was the push I needed, unfortunately not the awaking I had in mind. But in all honesty I would rather be dead than live the way I do...physically. I have been slowly feeding myself to death. Although now, I am changing, but it is hard. My body is resisting the change, but I do not need my shell of protection anymore, my body must realize this.
I have always seen myself at this weight, even when I was skinny...my vision became my future. I would rather be dead than in this unfit body, luckily I am trying to perfect my life, so when I die, I don't have to try 2 times harder up there.
Why judge off a persons "too big ears"? Or their skin color? Or the dress size they wear? What does that really prove? That your shallow. You cannot measure a persons heart by what the smallest dress size they can fit into.
Let us take a longer look inside of ourselves, and stop judging others. God put us on this earth together to make each other better people, not to shun, make fun of at others expense, exclude, or discriminate against. If you think your that good then ponder this: "Why did God put me here on this earth, with the 8 other billion people that occupy it, rather than giving me my own planet where I could live the life I live with the perfect people like me?"
Because if you were that much more special than us, I am sure you would be king of your own planet. And on judgement day, how embarrassing is it going to be when Christ asks you "so...why did you think you were good enough to take my job?"
Who gave who the right to define beauty?

It is pitiful that man judges off a persons imperfections...

Finding me...learning to accept me....and loving me...

Today was quite discouraging. My hair didn't sit right, my jeans are way-y too tight, probably from weight gain, I don't feel healthy, I have no job currently, so I am broke, I miss my friends, I got bad grades for the first time in my life, my make up made me look a little on the fake side, (I probably was trying to cover up how I felt, although it doesn't really work, because even people who aren't close to me notice the change in my face, can it be that my feelings radiate, even through this layer of colors?) I should treat my family better, I have loads of homework, yet I am not motivated enough to do it although it is due in 1 day and 1/2, my eyes are red, my teeth aren't white enough, my friends are hundreds of miles away, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to be happy, I want to relax-I am a living contradictory!
Now this isn't a pity post. I just need to vent.
My creative flow is gone, I am in need of a new town, a new life. Why I am so-o afraid of change? Why do I hold my breath when something I know is good for me only requires something, even just a little? I am wearing thin...too much of everything, and everyone. Oh how I wish I could return to earlier years, there is not much I would change except 2 things...
I just need to know I am believed in, I need to know that someone out there, expects the best out of me, and will love me regardless if I slip and fall occasionally, because I can promise you this much, as constant is change is, I will fall and stumble once in a while. I need to be held, I need to be loved, adored, cuddled, talked with. I need to know someone is thinking of me. Why do I feel like a used item, returned and clearanced?
I long to take all my loved ones, friends, family, inspirations, and just shrink them, put them in a box, and carry them with me, all the time, no matter where I go, so when I want to share with them, a unique, happy, profound once in a life time moment, or give them a portion of a burden I am carrying, I could always have them with me.
I am searching for my confidence, happiness, peace, worth, security, joy, motivation, inspiration, purpose, life...where did it all go? Is it somewhere I am just over looking, or is it really hiding? I need to find my sense of belonging. I need to feel needed. I need to be at peace in my life...I need to be OK with my imperfections...I need someone to love me, flaws and all...
Bear with me, give me some time, take my hand, I am afraid to fall, don't let me fall, I need my friends, I need someone to love and be loved by...Walk with me, lift me when I am weak, you will see, I will get better, I am just starting from beneath the ground, making my way up....I will be there, even if its the last day, I will make it...I just need to a reminder...so stay with me...I will need you now more than ever, I am picking the all weeds, but keeping all my flowers...

How can someone who is so involved with life, who works, goes to school, has a good family, and best friends, and many good friends, and who is surrounded by hundreds of thousands of millions of people, still feel lonely? Why is it that even when surrounded by your most loved and dearest friends and family there is still a void deep down? Its like a thirst, no matter how much you drink, you still feel empty and even more thirsty than before.
Where is life fulfilment? When do you become supremely satisfied with your life and who you are?
I am still figuring this life out...just believe in me...give me time. I am realizing, changing, deciding, living, loving, falling, climbing....help me hold on.

My family, my friends, and the people who inspire me-the reason I live today...

A hearts great depression...

The great storm, raging inside. My heart carries the weight and burden of imperfection and flaw. The thunder rolls through, shaking my entire foundation, penetrating my soul; serving me as a constant reminder of my past mistakes and vulnerable, sometimes, visible weaknesses.

The lighting strikes and stings my already unprotected, delicate heart. Leaving a bitter sweet pain a thousand times a second, in great amounts. My heart no longer beats vibrantly with the rich redness it used to, but slowly, painstakingly. The rain from my tears washes away ever last ounce of progress and color, leaving me with a clear, invisible heart. Showing through my entity, it touches my life. The water fills my heart, it is consuming. Yet again, the pain rapidly overflows from my heart, causing the tears that are already freely flowing to fall just as quickly as I have.

My heart is obliterated; any small amount of progress feels like moving a mountain. It seems to disappear quicker than it is built. Climbing the slope, it is slippery. Falling is easy, its climbing back up that becomes the problem. Addictions and the consequences haunt me, they achieve their job best at night, oh how I long for the sunrise. Just make this go away...

Painfully removing the poison I gave myself, the memories of frailty and fragile faults. Every rose has its thorn. I am living a slow death. I slowly gave up. I am chained to to myself, I long to be freed from myself, for redemption, to be found, to burn bright, to be healed. I got in too deep. Contradictions and blame, sorrow, regret and shame, run through my already busied mind, taunting me I bow my head to hide from the only one who can bring me to my stable higher ground. The questions weigh on my mind, carried with a price, which is almost overwhelming; I am buried by my thoughts, the grave digger, myself. Burying myself alive.

I used to be worth my weight in gold. I have just lost my way, but I know the way home. I don’t know how I have slipped so far away. Every mistake and stumble and down fall and broken promise replays in my mind; permanently ingrained into my head, each like a unique finger print, searing deeper into my soul. I am desperate, I thirst for redemption. What I would give to be able to rip out a few pages of my memory.

Every beat hurts, causing a flinch and cry of pain. How much longer must I feel this way? Will I ever be able to love myself? Will I ever conquer with strength and determination? Is my victory nigh at hand with the sunrise? Is not a woman’s heart Gods grandest of creations? Oh how I would tremble and fall to my face in His powerful presence. I would not want him to see my battered heart and tattered soul. What worth does God have with my wounded, barely beating, over used chained heart?

My thoughts are racing like little race cars maxing out their speed...Will I ever be good enough, or will I just be defeat? Can I fix this? Will it get better? I wish I could run to Him...but I fear His face, His disappointment in my weakness, I failed him. He trusted me...I have become the definition of a beautiful disaster. This is more torment than I can take, this demon, its like I can’t face down.

This just ain't right, I am not the girl I am supposed to be, I'm not me. I am not who I want to be. I am flawed. I am isolated. My defense is paper thin. No matter what, I gotta get this together...I can’t wait till I make it right. My hope dangles on a string. I am cleaning up. I can take one more hit, I can handle it. I am not done fighting, I wont give up. I can get through this. I will wait on the good Lord to make me better...

Seasons are ever changing, as I am. Change is the most constant thing in the universe

My life has never been set in stone. In fact I feel as if at times I am a rolling stone. We got a life bipolar here. I some times I get swept off my feet, by life. And other times I can not see over the "bar" because I have been knocked to my knees, or other times I am just stuck in my tunnel vision. I forget how good life is. How good I am. What I have accomplished. I am glad I have people who believe in me, even though I have never asked them to. I am glad they wont let me fail. I am glad I know it cannot rain for forever. I am glad my Savior, has given His life for mine. What a gift that is!

I have heard a comparison about life that have stuck out in my mind: Life is like a race, you continually are running, and you occasional fall or trip, weather it be from God placing stepping stones, not road blocks in your life, or Satan putting speed bumps in your way, or by your doing and digging your own holes. All that matters is that you don't sit, but that you get up and try again. Because of you don't make it in the end, Christ's atonement will be sufficient for you. He can make up that distance for you! You can win, if you choose to keep going.


I want to live a life worth living. I want my mind to be a prism for Gods light to shine through. How I will strive to live this earths mortal life to the fullest potential, how awful would that be that God had trusted us to make it back, better, and we have fallen short? I will live up to my potential. I will make my legacy.

Another sunset...

I took a very much needed walk tonight. I got to hear think myself for once, the clarity was a needed remedy to my crazy life. You know life is much like a walk in the dark, you just walking along, things trip you, and you fall in holes. What is important is getting back up so eventually you can get home. Occasionally a pair of head lights will stare you head on, which can be somewhat intimidating, but the light is something nice to feel on your cold face, especially when the occasion is rare. Many times I fall and stumble. Every time in my life, the light lasts enough to get my hope and faith up far enough to get me through the next mile or so I have to tread.

Someone told me they know exactly what I am going through. I know it was in their best intentions, but I just wanted to say "NO; no you don't know. You cant know. What I am feeling was tailor made for my heart and soul. You don't wear my chains."

Essential yet appealed. I feel so many things. God has taken all emotions in the universe, mixed them together, and put them inside my heart. Its like having two people inside of me, two people talking to me, thinking contradictions to me. I am fighting the most holiest and greatest battles ever fought, within the silent chamber It like your leech sucking the life from me; its taking all my energy. Its like a demon I cant face down. I know I let you have all the power. Its like I'm not me. I'm giving up slowly. Its like your a that's ghost haunting me, leave me alone. I know these voices in my head are mine and mine alone. I wish I could rip a page of my memory. Its a hard habit to break, if I don't, I see my chances chances fading now.

I lost my way. Eyes are red and tears filled with mascara are shed, leaving their stains. I think I am just tired, I need a sunrise to leave this all behind me, that would be nice. Its like whatever I do, what I search for cannot be found. I used to be worth my weight in gold-that was before the great depression came in and rocked me; and that was before the hurricane came in and stopped me. My heart is obliterated. This is like moving mountains, but I keep climbing, hoping things will change, then the sky turns grey, and the water from the rain washes this progress away. I've been standing in gas and I have been the flames. Its like I am not me, I've been giving up slowly. Its so hard. I don't wanna hold back no more.

Now I feel a change in me, I cant afford to slip much farther from the person who I was meant to be. I gotta long way to go, its been awhile. My big brother almighty, got a few more feet, but its still the longest yard. Cant wait till I get outta this phase because i cant rewrite history. Didn't think I would get this far, man I really believe I can turn it around. See all I need is that second chance to show it. Punch me high and kick me low.Its gonna take more than that for em to break my soul. Just one more hit, I promise I can take it, I can deal with it. I have handled it. I will make a new life for me. I will change my ways, I am taking me, my thoughts, my life back now.

All these thoughts swirled in my head, now I have unflooded my brain, letting the words flow through to me fingers. I am changing, letting the things and disappointments, mistakes, baggage, be a part of my past like they are supposed to be. My chapter is closing, i am closing my book, and putting it where it belongs. I am never giving up or giving in. It is easy to fall down its getting up that becomes the problem. No matter what my past flaws and all, I decided my future is remains spotless.

Tired of sunsets, in need of a sunrise...

Too many times I find myself lying awake at night, thinking with thousands of thought swirling and racing around in my head. I struggle to calm my thoughts as white noise surrounds me. The quietness cannot bring peace to my already disturbed soul. I am lonely. I am surrounded by ones I love, and they love me, but there is void that is not being met and filled. I miss them, as memories flood my brain, tears filled with my previous days mascara over flow from my eyes in an seemingly unending stream. A small puddle of a heart broken woman is left on my pillow when I have finally wiped away the last tear.

I wish I could bring the friends I have and had and shrink them, put them in a box and keep them with me by my side constantly everyday, as I do with them in my heart. I long for their hugs, their laughter, sweet touches. I want to make memories that will comfort me when I feel like I do in the future. It is sad distance can make missing someone worse and worse with every passing day. But you love them more and more with everyday too.

The growing up part of life is something I despise. Some change, and that which they once could fulfill, they no longer do. Others, are swept off their feet to go on to the continuation of their life time dreams, their life mission. They have to do what they have to do. If

Getting ready to leave this cruel city, going to see them, makes me feel like a child on Christmas morning, who has for the last while had their face plastered to the glass of the store that carried their most prized and sought after toy. It feels as if time and distance has been fighting together to keep my life far away so ours cannot become intertwined...

Until I see their sweet faces, tears will continue to fall as I lay alone at night, and the most memorable memories will keep the smile on my face during the day

A new begining...

A new beginning is often quite intimidating, but exciting at the same time. Change is harder than what most can understand; talk is cheap, and no amount of words will ever fully justify a persons soul, nor provide an accurate estimate of ones experiences. I have always had a hard time with change. Because its like a storm that is coming that will either wash away your progress, or your past, depending on which you choose to allow to be washed away.

You can feel broken or stronger than before. Changing is actually when you become most vulnerable. You are transitioning from being on solid, familiar ground, to something new, and you may or may not like what you get - the grass isn't always greener on the other side, our minds are too good into tricking us into believing that.

But I find strength and courage in knowing that one man because He stood and faced the storm, never wavering, overcame the world, and made a path for us, to follow him. Sadly that path is the less traveled path. But if he could do so much more than I do, I should be able to over come my weaknesses, and build a better life for myself. I figure that I will be OK, even if the whole earth hates me, because the whole world hated him first.

I guess I am just going to have to try harder, fight longer, faster, and better. There isn't any room for mistakes or excuses. If you want something, you have to give your all-no matter what that is in your life. If Christ could conquer the world, I am sure I can conquer myself. It is true what they say "The greatest and holiest of all battles are fought within the silent chamber of your own soul."