A good cry and a moment of healing

Last night was a roller coaster. As I sat at home alone, in my kitchen, I sat at the table listening to the music magically pour out of my ipod into my ears, bringing my mind into ways how I could relate each song to me, internalizing the words of an artist, who was probably just singing what someone wrote on a paper and threw it in their laps and said: "Sing it". With no meaning, no purpose.

Out of no where, there was an immense urge to just cry and let it all out, what at first were whimpers and sniffles turned into an uncontrollable shaking, and flow of tears like I have never known. Running to my run I jumped into my bed, grabbed my pillows, and my teddy bear and dog, and hugged them fiercely, not to let go even if I was being dragged away. Sobbing I began crying out to my big brother "Come, save me! Please! Come and save me! Do not ever let me go. I need you! Help me! Hurry!"

Curled up into a ball, with a messy puddle of mascara on my pillow I cried. And I couldn't stop. My heart had its barriers broken down by my hero. My big brother. He came, he picked me up, held me in his arms, and squeezed me, oh so tightly. I felt safe. All I wanted is to be where he was-and I couldn't go, yet he came out, to come and get me.

This is the hardest thing I have had to do. But I am finding healing in my pain. Its been a long road, and I know its never really over. Its still harder now. I have gotta pull the thorns out sometime, yes, it will bring me to tears, and to my knees, but it also brings me closer to where I am trying to be. I am home sick for my distination.

My big brother has been holding my hand all along, he had to take me through hell, to get me closer to heaven. Picking the weeds along the way, but keeping my flowers.

HUGS = the human touch

There is something I love more than almost anything in the world. And it is being hugged. I love the feeling of two friends, two lovers, hearts beating together in sync with each others. Although, the rhythm is breathtakingly beautiful, when two hearts beat so vehemently and vibrantly separately, but in all reality, that is together.

It is nice to know that someone loves you enough to squeeze you tight enough, or at others times, fragile touch, to hold all of the broken piece's together, and keep them together. When your heart is crying out, it is nice to know someone is listening, and that your heart is their favorite song.

As a woman, I love to be held, even if it for but a small moment. To be comforted, or to comfort anothers soul, is one of Gods grandest gifts to us. For some reason, even the thought, the picture of two people hugging can grab my heart, and sooth the moments pain, anguish and sorrow. I love falling into the arms of a friend.

One word, beautiful.

My thoughts as of today

This world is beautiful, yesterday God cried at my grand arrival, leaving His signature scent in the air. Bringing us into the cold winter. Softly reminding us that He brings us the spring, as He does in our very lives. How breathtakingly beautiful He is. To know each creature, and person, and still give His time to us, when at times we reject Him, and yet He remains. how lovely it is to know we are known, better than ourselves, and we are still loved no less, by the most elegant, powerful, righteous being.
He has warmed the fire in my heart, leaving me cold no longer. I find joy everyday now, although it is rare, we must look for it, because it is there, the road is there, just look under the ice.
God must have fun up there, watching it snow down here as he sprinkles his white powder on us. I enjoy watching it fall down on us, watching it swirl around as a shift in the wind occurs.
Winter can be the most coldest of seasons in our lives, but also the most romantic. The glorious rays of sunshine warm your cold, frail face, and hot coco brings warmth to your frozen hands.
Lights all around, light up the night, unceasingly. How gorgeous. Life is stunning.

My own weather forecasting

I thought this was the most interesting thing about myself. My knee is still sensitive to the weathers changes. I can still tell when there is a storm coming. After tearing my ACL over a year ago, I can still feel the air pressure change.
Too bad I cannot foresee the results of the elections although its already been won...we have been handed over to hell on a silver platter.

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur"
~Leo Tolstoy

Finally...

As a sigh of relief. My soul has found its place. My heart groaned under the weight of the world I was carrying, and my big brother came and took it from me. My heart stoped beating so hard an painfully, and let out a breathe of exhaustion as my big brother grabbed my heart, and me and just embraced my soul. I am finally at peace with myself, the thorn that was forcing me limp through life, has been removed. As when you pull it out, there may be red soreness surrounding the area, the area being my heart, but it feels so sweet.

To know for a surety that I am ok, that I always will, and always have been. The warmth, the sweet love, oh is so much more than my fragile heart can take, it is overwhelming, exactly opposite of the bitter pain. I am still walking my yard, still doing the time, thats the recovery process. But I am finally moving on. I feel the change in me. I am getting better. Finally.

I have gotten through that phase. I am catching my second breath now. My past may have been spotted, but my future remains spotless. I have reversed the chemistry. I am taking me back, and it feels so-o good.